Baby Loss

Losing a baby is a unique experience and it brings with it a myriad of thoughts, feeling and behaviours...believe me, I know. 

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I lost my baby girl at 30 weeks after she was diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome.  After a normal start to my pregnancy, the problem was first identified at the 20 week scan and my husband and I spent the next 10 weeks on a rollercoaster of emotions - from shock, to despair, to hope, to determination and then to grief - but through all of the this the strongest feeling was one of Love. Love for our baby, whatever the circumstances.

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My baby died on a Wednesday but she was not delivered until Sunday. From the moment I was induced in hospital I was focused on the job I had to do. It took several days, which was such a surreal time, a time out of existence, but I was strangely calm and still excited to meet my baby.  The time spent with our daughter when she was born, despite the sad circumstances, was such a special moment and one that I will treasure. Walking out of the hospital with nothing but a box of memories and a deep sadness for what we had lost was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

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People often don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Or they are so upset or uncomfortable themselves that they retreat. But I was not prepared to deal with their grief or discomfort because I was too busy working through my own.

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The experience left me reeling and shook me to my core. I'd been extremely lucky to have never really faced any particularly difficult or painful events, apart from the usual challenges that come with life, but this was different, this was unexpected, and it was not supposed to happen, not to me. It throw me and my ideas about life and lead to a period of anxiety and a loss of confidence that I had never really known before. 

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But I deal with things by 'getting on with it' and continuing to follow my daily routines. My then three year old daughter helped us to keep going, after all she needed us, and it helped me to continue with the mundane routines and to come into contact with people. But I felt like my experience, my loss, was written all over my face, that everyone would 'know' and this brought more feelings of insecurity and guilt.  But my wisdom showed up, as it always does, and by focusing on my daughter I didn't dwell on my loss but took time to slow down and just live my life one day at a time.

My family and friends were so supportive but they didn't know how to deal with the situation any more than I did and it can make you feel rather isolated, as if 'no one understands'. Some thought it was unhealthy that I was just getting on with life, some thought it was strange that I wasn't crying all the time, others were concerned that I wasn't seeking help and others said they saw me as an inspiration. I was just dealing with it the best way I could.

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There is no 'right' way to deal with the loss of a baby. You may feel immense sadness, you may feel guilt, you may just be focusing on the future, maybe you're just grateful of the experience or maybe all or none of these - it doesn't matter. Follow your instincts and do what you need to do - you will survive this.

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It was shortly after experiencing the loss of my baby that I started seeking...seeking a reason, an understanding, a way to process my feelings and to find my path again.  This is when I came across this new understanding about the true nature of the human experience and where our thoughts and feelings come from and it changed my life.

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I was lighter, freer, filled with gratitude and hope and most of all, love. This understanding has had a deep impact on all aspects of my life and showed me who I am. It helped me to be thankful for the chance to meet my daughter and grateful that she never experienced any suffering. I hold her in my heart always and remember her with love.

And I want you to feel this way too.

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So if you're struggling to deal with your experience, cannot escape your grief, feel lost or simply want to redirect your energy, please do contact me - I promise that I will listen, with no judgement, no pressure, just an understanding...from one parent to another.  When you're ready to talk, and truly be heard, contact me. 

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With love, Becca x